As suspected...

Period came right on time last week. Not sure what to think, at first I was devastated again, but I got over it pretty quickly this go around. I don't know if it was because I had so much to do this weekend, or whether I realized that there is a lot of work I need to do on myself personally with my weight etc before I welcome a new life into the world, but I'm at peace currently.

Why is this always so hard?

So the spotting has started. I expect AF will be here right on time tomorrow. You know this isn't my first go around with this, I would think the heartbreak would get easier, but it never does. Working in my area's "favorite hospital to have a baby" doesn't help either. All day I see happy smiling families with their new babies and while I am happy for their joy, I can't help but get a little angry when I see the happy new 14 year old mom or the mom who is on kid # 12 either. I don't mean to sound judgemental or question God, I just don't understand why something that seems to happen for everyone around me is so hard for me. I'm a very happy loving person and I try really hard to keep a smile on my face and keep trucking along, but this situation has really floored me. This is the only thing in life I have ever truly wanted and I have no control over it happening. I'm trying to keep it together at work but all I want to do is cry. I think my partner and I have decided to take a real break from trying for awhile. We are going to start possibly looking at moving out of state in the next year or so to a place that fully recognizes our marriage and will have easier laws pertaining to her adopting the baby once we finally get to that point. This has been really hard for me to give up on for awhile, I really wanted this to happen by the time I turn 30, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen...

AF knocking?

So my positivity about this go around has all but disappeared. The past few days I had zero symptoms whatsoever. However, yesterday I was a bit achy and emotional and today I'm having these weird very low sharp shooting cramps in my uterus area, almost feels like something pulling. They've been going on since this morning, will last a minute or two and then go away. I tested this morning (12do) still a BFN. I'm trying not to lose all faith in this cycle but I feel like unfortunately I'm out again this month. I just wish I had some type of sign that if this isn't the time of what I should be doing or whatever to get myself ready. All in all I know it's not up to me and at the end of the day I have no control over when or if (that's really hard to say) it ever happens, but this is definitely the most frustrating time of my life and if my faith has ever been tested it is definitely now.

Week one down!

So I have to admit I have fallen a tad bit back into my old ways of looking at pregnancy forums and symptoms. I'm definitely not as bad as I usually am, but boy there are definitely some days where I wished I could just "try" to get pregnant by "not trying" but then I remember that there is a penis attached to that method and I'm not too fond of those personally. So far though I don't know, I just kind of have a good feeling about this time, but I keep trying to snap myself back into reality that I do not know yet and it's too early to try to find out. It seems kind of early for PMS symptoms since I've been having them since about 4DPO, and I don't know really what to expect from an unmedicated cycle. So far symptom wise though, I have had sore breasts, vivid dreams, restless sleep and (sorry if TMI)an increased sex drive. Only time will tell but I wish the clock would speed up a bit...unless I'm not pregnant then I guess I can dream a little longer :).

The waiting game...

Everytime we inseminate it seems like the dreaded 2 week wait gets longer. I must say though that so far this cycle has been the easiest for me. I'm thinking it's because we went unmedicated this go around, but I've also been very busy so I think it has helped me to keep my mind off of it. The other thing that I think has helped is that I've been trying very hard to stay away from all the TTC forums and trying not to overanalyze every twinge in my body. Overall, I feel much more relaxed this go around. That doesn't mean I haven't had my moments, I did do a brief look on the TTC forums to see how many women started to experience breast tenderness at 4-5 DPO. My breasts have just been a bit tender the past couple of days. I don't know if this is a normal post-ovulation progesterone rise or what since this is my first non-medicated cycle. Either way it seems kind of early. My partner has been experiencing it too though so it's more than likely ovulation related as I feel like our cycles were pretty much on sync this month, but I can't remember and she doesn't keep track since she is so regular. We have decided that if this go around does not work, we are going to look into switching both doctors and donors. My friend and her husband have an RE that they really liked and helped to produce all three of their kids, so obviously the track record is good. And since this is vial 5 of the donor, if it has no success, I think it's about time to start looking into other options. I must say I feel a lot less crazy this month, I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing but it definitely helps with my santity. I've been really trying to keep calm, praying more often and trying to stay focused. I do need to get back on track with my eating habits though, the past few days I have not been good at all and my appetite seems to be a bit increased so I need to get that under control. Oh well, about 9 days to go and hopefully another 8 months after that waiting for a bundle of joy!

Giving it another go...

So after the disappointment with our last try, I decided that I was going to sit this month out and give my body and mind some time to recoop. But then Monday I started feeling like maybe ovulation was coming on. Bear in mind, I rarely ovulate on my own due to PCOS, so I figured I would see what happened. My partner and I talked and agreed if I surged on my own we would take another shot at IUI. The next morning, I took my Clearblue test and low and behold my LH surged. So I called my RE and made an appointment for today. Upon my ultrasound the doctor could not find a clear follicle but the hazy area appeared that it may have just released. The doctor told me he couldn't say completely that it was a great time to do it or not but left it up to us to make the decision. We talked and decided to have a little faith. In previous attempts we've done all of the monitoring all of the previous ultrasounds and medications and none have resulted in a pregnancy. This time, I'm going with my faith in God that if this is the time, he will provide. I have to say this was the easiest IUI I have had, it only took a couple of minutes and was much less uncomfortable. Maybe, just maybe there is a sign of good things ahead.

This is what I was made for...

This week I have my little sister in town for summer camp. While there are definitely some aggreviating characteristics about an 11 year old, the good definitely outweighs the bad. Packing her lunch this morning and making sure she was on task for getting ready really solidified for me that I don't just want the sweet baby years, I want the whole thing, I want to be a mom. This morning felt so natural, like I had been doing it my whole life. I'm still having the low abdominal cramping for at least a few minutes everyday, and I am so exhausted that I can barely keep my eyes open. I have an appointment with a new PCP on Friday, one that practices both Eastern and Western medicine. Hopefully I can get a new outlook on what is going on.

What in the world is going on?

So while I'm still having funky cramps and peeing like crazy, the results of my upper abdominal ultrasound came back yesterday from my PCP. I've been diagnosed with a Hepatic Hemangioma which is basically a benign tumor on my liver. So immediately I hear the word tumor and freak out a bit, but the more concerning thing is that this is the second "tumor" that has been found in the past two weeks. I experienced some swelling in my right thigh a few weeks back, I had an ultrasound done to check for clots and an X-Ray to make sure there wasn't anything else funky going on so my doctor diagnosed me with a Lipoma which is a fatty tumor. You know I just turned 29, I'm an emotional wreck with the fertility treatments and now you've thrown 2 tumors at me in the past two weeks. Let me start with the fact that I know that I'm incredibly blessed that they are benign tumors, as I know that there have been plenty of people my age or younger that have not been so lucky. I can't help but worry a bit though that I'm getting these to begin with. To add insult to injury the more that I've been reading about the Hepatic Hemangioma, I keep finding more things that say how dangerous it can be during pregnancy as the extra estrogen can cause the tumor to grow larger and potentially rupture. I just don't know anymore, is God trying to tell me that I'm not supposed to birth my own children? Am I not supposed to have children at all? The very thought of that simply breaks my heart. Everyone gets asked as a child what they want to be when they grow up, my answer has always been "a mom". On the somewhat odd and unexplained side I had reiki done the day before my IUI and at that point my Reiki practicioner asked me if I had any problems with my right knee, I told her no and moved on. The next morning my right thigh was sore and swollen...right above my knee. I had a session again to calm myself down a bit the day I started my period and she knew I was going for an ultrasound later in the week and she said something keeps pulling me to your liver...low and behold now I've been diagnosed with the hemangioma.

Feeling a bit crazy

So I see people all the time online who in their desperation to become pregnant post things like "my big toe hurts, am I pregnant?" and even though some of the questions seem off the wall and illogical, I understand that wanting something so bad especially when you are going through fertility treatments can make even the most logical person go a bit nutty. I'm feeling very much so in the nutty boat right now. In my heart I know that I am not pregnant, even though I want so desperately to be, but my body is currently going crazy so it's hard to shut off that little voice in the back of my head telling me again and again "take one last test". While I know that the fertility drugs can give you pregnancy symptoms until it is out of your system, I really feel like my body is playing mean-hearted tricks on me. The Ovidrel tested out of my system on Day 4PO, my sore breasts continued though until about day 9. On day 6 I awoke in the middle of the night to horrible pain on my right side through my bottom (which was also the side I ovulated on). The ER doc said that it was either an Ovarian Cyst that burst or bad gas, but nothing was definitive. My PCP ran an upper abdominal ultrasound to check out my gallbladder etc and everything checked out fine. When AF "came to town", the entire 3 days consisted of light to dark brown blood with dark flakes in the toliet after urination (sorry TMI). Now a week after AF I'm still having occassional lower abdominal cramping, my legs are sore, I am utterly exhausted to the point that I'm taking a nap nearly every day and I'm peeing like crazy. I took another test this morning, the big "Not Pregnant" popped up pretty quickly. While I know that there is likely something else going on with my body, I can't shut off that illogical part of my brain... and it's driving me crazy.

Another one bites the dust....

I decided to start this blog as an outlet for my journey and struggles to start a family with my partner. Postings and resources for same-sex couples are limited at best, so if this can reach one person that is going through what we are going through, I have succeeded. I know some of you that may have stumbled across this blog may say "you're struggling because same sex couples shouldn't have kids" etc etc. While I respect your opinion, I couldn't disagree with you more, and all I can really say that is that there are many people that have no business being parents gay and straight alike and just because a child does not have a "mother" and "father" does not mean that they are any less cared for, loved or become any less of a productive person than those raised in an "intact" heterosexual household. [End of Rant] My wife and I have been together for 6 years now, married for 4. I can honestly say they have been the 6 best years of my life. We are truly a family unit, and family is one of the most important things in our lives. We both have strong relationships with our respective families and want nothing more than to build a family of our own. While no relationship is perfect, I've yet to see one that is as close to it as ours. While my ideas of what I wanted in life have changed throughout the years, one thing has always been constant, I knew that I was born to be a mom. We began our journey to start a family last summer. We searched and searched to find a donor that had similar characteristics to that of my partner, finally we found the right one. I have PCOS and do not ovulate regularly, so fertility medication was a must for us. The first go around I did 50mg of Clomid days 5-9 and an Ovidrel shot on day 17. I went in for IUI the next day and had 3 good follicles. We were cautiously excited that we were going to be one of the rare first time success stories with IUI. Unfortunately I did not realize that the pregnancy hormones in Ovidrel made you into a crazy person. Every little twinge in my body made me feel like I was pregnant. 14 days later Aunt Flo came right on time. I was devestated, I was sure that it had worked. The next month, I decided I could not go through with the trigger shot again so soon, so we just waited for me to surge on my own and I went back for IUI for the second time. Like clockwork 14 days later, well you know the rest. The next go around, we decided we wanted to try at home (not IUI just the traditional AI) as we had never had anything close to the "traditional" way of trying to get pregnant.. We got the okay from the doctor, ordered our specimen and away we went. Let me just say, it was like a National Geographic expedition. We bought the wrong size needless syringe, had problems with insertion, pretty much everything you can think of. But at least we have a memory we can look back on and laugh about. That was less than successful, 14 days later, right on time. We decided to take some time off from trying, save some more money and give it ago this summer. This time around I tried Femera for the first cycle. Nada, no ovulation at all. The next month (this month) we did 100mg instead of our usual 50 of Clomid days 5-9. I ended up surging on my own on day 18 but went ahead with the Ovidrel trigger shot that morning and had a double IUI this time, one that afternoon and one the following afternoon. Everything looked perfect, I had 3 follicles again, 27mm, 24mm and 20 mm and my lining was at 12mm. We were sure this was the time. We gave it double the effort (and money) and this was going to be it. Of course I had a ton of "pregnancy" symptoms from the Ovidrel shot over the past two weeks. Monday night though I could feel her coming. I had a complete breakdown because I knew we were out for the month yet again. I wore a pad to bed that night sure I would start overnight. I woke up the next morning to nothing so I took a pregnancy test, it came back with a Big Fat Negative. A few minutes later, cue the orchestra, the red beast came to town....