As suspected...

Period came right on time last week. Not sure what to think, at first I was devastated again, but I got over it pretty quickly this go around. I don't know if it was because I had so much to do this weekend, or whether I realized that there is a lot of work I need to do on myself personally with my weight etc before I welcome a new life into the world, but I'm at peace currently.

Why is this always so hard?

So the spotting has started. I expect AF will be here right on time tomorrow. You know this isn't my first go around with this, I would think the heartbreak would get easier, but it never does. Working in my area's "favorite hospital to have a baby" doesn't help either. All day I see happy smiling families with their new babies and while I am happy for their joy, I can't help but get a little angry when I see the happy new 14 year old mom or the mom who is on kid # 12 either. I don't mean to sound judgemental or question God, I just don't understand why something that seems to happen for everyone around me is so hard for me. I'm a very happy loving person and I try really hard to keep a smile on my face and keep trucking along, but this situation has really floored me. This is the only thing in life I have ever truly wanted and I have no control over it happening. I'm trying to keep it together at work but all I want to do is cry. I think my partner and I have decided to take a real break from trying for awhile. We are going to start possibly looking at moving out of state in the next year or so to a place that fully recognizes our marriage and will have easier laws pertaining to her adopting the baby once we finally get to that point. This has been really hard for me to give up on for awhile, I really wanted this to happen by the time I turn 30, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen...

AF knocking?

So my positivity about this go around has all but disappeared. The past few days I had zero symptoms whatsoever. However, yesterday I was a bit achy and emotional and today I'm having these weird very low sharp shooting cramps in my uterus area, almost feels like something pulling. They've been going on since this morning, will last a minute or two and then go away. I tested this morning (12do) still a BFN. I'm trying not to lose all faith in this cycle but I feel like unfortunately I'm out again this month. I just wish I had some type of sign that if this isn't the time of what I should be doing or whatever to get myself ready. All in all I know it's not up to me and at the end of the day I have no control over when or if (that's really hard to say) it ever happens, but this is definitely the most frustrating time of my life and if my faith has ever been tested it is definitely now.

Week one down!

So I have to admit I have fallen a tad bit back into my old ways of looking at pregnancy forums and symptoms. I'm definitely not as bad as I usually am, but boy there are definitely some days where I wished I could just "try" to get pregnant by "not trying" but then I remember that there is a penis attached to that method and I'm not too fond of those personally. So far though I don't know, I just kind of have a good feeling about this time, but I keep trying to snap myself back into reality that I do not know yet and it's too early to try to find out. It seems kind of early for PMS symptoms since I've been having them since about 4DPO, and I don't know really what to expect from an unmedicated cycle. So far symptom wise though, I have had sore breasts, vivid dreams, restless sleep and (sorry if TMI)an increased sex drive. Only time will tell but I wish the clock would speed up a bit...unless I'm not pregnant then I guess I can dream a little longer :).

The waiting game...

Everytime we inseminate it seems like the dreaded 2 week wait gets longer. I must say though that so far this cycle has been the easiest for me. I'm thinking it's because we went unmedicated this go around, but I've also been very busy so I think it has helped me to keep my mind off of it. The other thing that I think has helped is that I've been trying very hard to stay away from all the TTC forums and trying not to overanalyze every twinge in my body. Overall, I feel much more relaxed this go around. That doesn't mean I haven't had my moments, I did do a brief look on the TTC forums to see how many women started to experience breast tenderness at 4-5 DPO. My breasts have just been a bit tender the past couple of days. I don't know if this is a normal post-ovulation progesterone rise or what since this is my first non-medicated cycle. Either way it seems kind of early. My partner has been experiencing it too though so it's more than likely ovulation related as I feel like our cycles were pretty much on sync this month, but I can't remember and she doesn't keep track since she is so regular. We have decided that if this go around does not work, we are going to look into switching both doctors and donors. My friend and her husband have an RE that they really liked and helped to produce all three of their kids, so obviously the track record is good. And since this is vial 5 of the donor, if it has no success, I think it's about time to start looking into other options. I must say I feel a lot less crazy this month, I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing but it definitely helps with my santity. I've been really trying to keep calm, praying more often and trying to stay focused. I do need to get back on track with my eating habits though, the past few days I have not been good at all and my appetite seems to be a bit increased so I need to get that under control. Oh well, about 9 days to go and hopefully another 8 months after that waiting for a bundle of joy!

Giving it another go...

So after the disappointment with our last try, I decided that I was going to sit this month out and give my body and mind some time to recoop. But then Monday I started feeling like maybe ovulation was coming on. Bear in mind, I rarely ovulate on my own due to PCOS, so I figured I would see what happened. My partner and I talked and agreed if I surged on my own we would take another shot at IUI. The next morning, I took my Clearblue test and low and behold my LH surged. So I called my RE and made an appointment for today. Upon my ultrasound the doctor could not find a clear follicle but the hazy area appeared that it may have just released. The doctor told me he couldn't say completely that it was a great time to do it or not but left it up to us to make the decision. We talked and decided to have a little faith. In previous attempts we've done all of the monitoring all of the previous ultrasounds and medications and none have resulted in a pregnancy. This time, I'm going with my faith in God that if this is the time, he will provide. I have to say this was the easiest IUI I have had, it only took a couple of minutes and was much less uncomfortable. Maybe, just maybe there is a sign of good things ahead.

This is what I was made for...

This week I have my little sister in town for summer camp. While there are definitely some aggreviating characteristics about an 11 year old, the good definitely outweighs the bad. Packing her lunch this morning and making sure she was on task for getting ready really solidified for me that I don't just want the sweet baby years, I want the whole thing, I want to be a mom. This morning felt so natural, like I had been doing it my whole life. I'm still having the low abdominal cramping for at least a few minutes everyday, and I am so exhausted that I can barely keep my eyes open. I have an appointment with a new PCP on Friday, one that practices both Eastern and Western medicine. Hopefully I can get a new outlook on what is going on.